This post is purely for me to vent, because all the techniques I’ve used to try and distract myself have been tried and failed. So I figured that typing everything down could help me at least release these feelings at least and feel some sort of sense of being cathartic. This is something I wish I could say to my ex, but I can’t. So it gets to be written here.
And I say my love because in the short time we were together I had never felt so alive in the months we had and that at a rapid rate, I was falling for you. When we first met and started dating I had my walls up, I was very blase about everything and that I didn’t care if we failed or not because I had become selfish with my self preservation and I didn’t want to get myself in a situation where I was vulnerable which could lead me to getting hurt.
But life, doesn’t let me get my way. I started to get to know you - through the late night phone calls, texts, snapchats, instagram banter, facebook messaging…I knew that I liked you. And as the days and weeks progressed my feelings started to build. Again, life likes to throw a curveball and you my dear had been hiding a very heavy burden on your past that still haunts you to this day. You expected me to run away screaming because you had “baggage” and that you were “broken” but instead you were surprised to see that I stayed. Because I wanted you to feel better, I wanted you to be with me…so I let you go on this trip that you had planned before you even met me (like you needed permission anyway :P) in the hopes that you would feel better and then we could go on and life would be perfect.
On this journey of self discovery and still abroad, you told me that you weren’t ready to be with someone and that you needed to work on yourself and your issues in order to be with someone again - that hurt because it felt like everything we had was a lie and that I was just used just like what my ex did before I knew you. I was scared that suddenly, someone that I opened up to, is doing the one thing I feared the most - hurt me. Words were said and I cried that night, so many tears I couldn’t even fathom what happened. It took me 3 days to even convince myself to get out of the house and do things to distract me.
But…after a few days, I realised that it hurt you just as much as it did me when you said you couldn’t be with me. Because I know it took a lot for you to tell me about your past, your fears, and how scared you were of being with someone after a gigantic heartbreak like yours. And to let me into that small part of your life and be a part of that is special, and trust me when I say I know that it was a big deal for you. I can’t be mad nor can I be selfish, because I know you cared about me enough to tell me the truth and that I somehow initiated that feeling for you to reflect and say that you need to get better and that you needed to set yourself straight before you are with someone again - it could be me, or someone else, who knows.
I miss you, everyday you pop up in my mind. And it saddens me that I can’t just randomly message you like we used to, and chat, and joke around like we did. But I know somewhere in crazy Japan that you are working towards making yourself better, one step closer to being happier and maybe, just maybe in the not too distant future…one step closer to texting that first message to me like you did that little while ago, and where that possibility could take us. If that isn’t the case, I just want you to know that being hurt by you (as much as it did suck) wasn’t the greatest thing in the world, but at least I know, there was a heartfelt intention in there somewhere to protect me from being hurt later on in the future by you. As that saying by John Green goes “you don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices” - and I do. Corny as that is, as much as I hated this pain, as much as I was mad at the situation, I knew that it was harder for you to make that step in saying those words than it was for me. And I promise, I’ll look after myself, just as long as you look after you too.